Cycle of Apathy

Well here I am again, back at square one…

I’ve been trying to rewrite God-Chosen, and over the past week I’ve actually gotten quite a bit done. I’ve rewritten the first six chapters from my draft and condensed them down to three. I’d like to say I’ve improved in my first rewrite, but I really can’t, especially in my current position.

It’s a bit disheartening, really. I’ve been working so hard on it and now that I’m here and look back at it, I wonder what for. I’ve no one to talk to about it, no one to give me advice or critique me, and I have no one to return those favors to. I write because I can’t not write, but even now I wonder why. I’ve been fighting against depressive thoughts for the past week and it looks like I’m finally losing.

I tried to write today and simply couldn’t. I’ve  never had much of a problem forcing myself to write, but today I’m feeling too miserable. I went back to the three chapters I’ve already rewritten and reorganized the scenes a bit. I also outlined the scenes for the next two chapters and took pen to the draft chapters I had printed out. I made progress on the organizational side, but really I’m too depressed to be creative.

Maybe depressed isn’t the right word. I’m down, under the weather, perhaps a bit sad. I don’t mean to discredit the personality disorder, nor do I mean to make my one week of low spirits sound more serious than it is. I’ve not said a word to anyone all day. Not my family or my friends. I really don’t feel like being with anyone. Yet at the same time, I want someone to come to my rescue. I want someone who cares enough about me to stop, drop everything and come to my side.

A so-called friend of mine sent me a text message. I told him I was feeling rather down and would love to do something together, but didn’t want to be around a lot of people. He gave up at that point. Which I guess is just as well, being around a depressed Ishana probably wouldn’t make his day any better, but is it wrong to wish that he said “No problem, I’ll be right there and we watch a movie and split a pizza?” I suppose that’s rather selfish of me, but wishing for it can’t hurt too much, as long as I remember it won’t come true.

Sometimes I wonder if writing makes me more depressed. I write about Amara, strong, beautiful Amara who I admire so much for finding her own path and sticking it to it through everything. Then there’s Lucian, who would do anything for Amara. He’s the loyal husband and clueless friend whose easygoing nature breaks only when someone he loves is in trouble. Maybe I’m a little jealous of these characters who risk their lives, who get hurt, who die… Maybe I wish I was a little bit more like them. Even with everything that breaks them, that kills them, that hurts them, they keep going. They keep going because they have something or someone pushing them further. That’s what makes a strong character, and I think that’s what makes a strong person, too.

I’ll keep searching for what I’m fighting for. I’ll keep trying to write. Maybe I’ll find my answer between the pages. I don’t know. I guess it can’t hurt to try. It’s not like I have anything else to occupy my time with…

Doesn’t help that I come here and realize I have over 25% more spam comments than legitimate ones on this blog. I never have been good at socializing. I suppose this post isn’t going to boost my blog views any, but I can’t imagine many people will read it anyways. I don’t know why I bother. I’m debating deleting Resplendence altogether…

Ishana Mayakashi
Stay Happy…


About Squishy

Writer, dancer, gamer, and admirer of all that is beautiful.

Posted on September 19, 2010, in Ishy Writes!. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. At Westminster Abbey – In Poet’s Corner is the a commemorative stone for the Bronte sisters…and the epitaph: “With courage to endure”. CG

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