Monthly Archives: July 2011
The problem with recovering, is nobody believes you’re actually recovering.
I’ve made fantastic progress in my mission to erase this shadow from my life. Usually I can stop myself between the negative thought and the actions that follow it, but sometimes I speak before I think and the words come through. I still know I’m wrong. I feel wrong saying it, and a voice in my head calls me stupid for having said it at all. That voice was never there before. The feeling of being wrong, of knowing I’m wrong, is new to me. That’s amazing progress.
Yet I’m the only one who sees this. The people I talk to and interact with on a daily basis can’t see my thoughts. They don’t see me fighting against the negativity that surfaces in my brain, nor can they feel the shadow in my heart slowly diminishing. All they see is the negativity slipping through. They don’t see how I’m improving. They can’t feel it the way I can.
The biggest issue comes when people judge me based off my past. Let’s say someone invited me to go out one night, and I declined because I had other things I had to do. This person will assume that I’m not in fact busy, but depressed and don’t want to say so. They base this assumption off what they know of my past. Instead of accepting that I do in fact have other things I need to do, this person will dedicate their night to figuring out what’s bothering me so they can help me. In reality, there is nothing bothering me and they’re just going to frustrate themselves trying to figure it out. Read the rest of this entry