It’s a New Life For Me
(Ten points to the first person to guess the song I’m singing as I type this. The post title is a clue.)
As we grow up, we change. We start thinking differently, we experience new things, we see more of the world and meet different people. We learn. Or at least most of us do, I can only hope my brother will catch the learning disease by the time he’s 30… He still has two years to go, he’ll make it, right?
Change is necessary, but also incredibly difficult. I have been working on a major change in my own life, one to reflect a more positive, confident me, and was doing great at it if I do say so myself. But then the Universe threw something else at me. One of my closest friends was done with me. He was fed up with my negativity, and lost patience with me and my slow recovery.
I’m sad to say, that wasn’t the beginning of the end. The beginning of the end came months earlier, but under the guise of happiness. This friend lied to and mislead me, for months, leading me along with false promises and mysterious words. I can’t say if that was his intent. I certainly don’t think he intended to hurt or play me, but that’s what happened.
Saying goodbye to him was the hardest thing I’d ever done. I would have rather sorted things out, and I did try. Though it seemed like he had intentionally played me and others, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and instead tried to explain why it seemed that way. Yet because he was so set in his view of me as a pessimist, as someone with such a warped perception of reality that her words cannot be trusted, he instead turned it on me. I was the one who was wrong. I was being cruel and malicious. I was insane and trying to sabotage his life. Those, unfortunately, were his exact words.
I was ill at the time. I had already collapsed a couple times and was having a hard time breathing normally. I didn’t tell him this, but I did tell him I might have to go to the hospital, so he would have an explanation if I suddenly stopped responding. He told me he had no sympathy for me.
That was all the reassurance I needed to tell me I was doing the right thing. As much as it hurt to say goodbye to him, someone who had been a great friend for years, I do believe it was necessary. I hold no hatred or anger for him. I don’t even feel bitter about the situation at all. I’m more sad about, sad it had to end that way, sad he couldn’t understand the consequences of his words and actions, sad I couldn’t change myself fast enough to appease him.
In the end, I only wish the best for him. I’m not sure what I think of him now that he’s done so many things that seemed out of character from what I knew of him, but I still believe he has a good heart. He was the one who helped me see the goodness of my own heart, and encouraged me to find my own light to erase the shadows that overtook me. Nobody with ill intentions in their heart would do such things for another person.
While I am hurt deeply, this may have been the trigger I needed to start making major changes. I’ve been hiding for so long behind masks and walls, aliases and mysteries, that my identity has torn itself into too many pieces. More than one person has told me they don’t feel like they know the real me because of how shy and reserved I am.
Standing up for myself and for what I believed in despite the pain it put me in was a giant step toward becoming a stronger and more self-reliant person. More than that though, this whole situation has tipped the scales between keeping up my online identity and merging it with who I am in reality. Changes are underway as it is, and you’ll start seeing them here soon as well. Starting Wednesday.
Though it’s been nearly two months, I think it’s safe to say that for my 21st birthday, I lost my best friend and found myself. I’ve also learned that life is full of hard choices, and sometimes the best one still ends in heartbreak.
And Nath, if ever you read this… thanks for everything.