It’s a New Life For Me

(Ten points to the first person to guess the song I’m singing as I type this. The post title is a clue.)

The theme for this week’s Blogenning is birthdays, but I’ve already written about mine this year. So instead, I’m going to talk about something that comes along with birthdays: change.

As we grow up, we change. We start thinking differently, we experience new things, we see more of the world and meet different people. We learn. Or at least most of us do, I can only hope my brother will catch the learning disease by the time he’s 30… He still has two years to go, he’ll make it, right?

Change is necessary, but also incredibly difficult. I have been working on a major change in my own life, one to reflect a more positive, confident me, and was doing great at it if I do say so myself. But then the Universe threw something else at me. One of my closest friends was done with me. He was fed up with my negativity, and lost patience with me and my slow recovery.

I’m sad to say, that wasn’t the beginning of the end. The beginning of the end came months earlier, but under the guise of happiness. This friend lied to and mislead me, for months, leading me along with false promises and mysterious words. I can’t say if that was his intent. I certainly don’t think he intended to hurt or play me, but that’s what happened.

Saying goodbye to him was the hardest thing I’d ever done. I would have rather sorted things out, and I did try. Though it seemed like he had intentionally played me and others, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and instead tried to explain why it seemed that way. Yet because he was so set in his view of me as a pessimist, as someone with such a warped perception of reality that her words cannot be trusted, he instead turned it on me. I was the one who was wrong. I was being cruel and malicious. I was insane and trying to sabotage his life. Those, unfortunately, were his exact words.

I was ill at the time. I had already collapsed a couple times and was having a hard time breathing normally. I didn’t tell him this, but I did tell him I might have to go to the hospital, so he would have an explanation if I suddenly stopped responding. He told me he had no sympathy for me.

That was all the reassurance I needed to tell me I was doing the right thing. As much as it hurt to say goodbye to him, someone who had been a great friend for years, I do believe it was necessary. I hold no hatred or anger for him. I don’t even feel bitter about the situation at all. I’m more sad about, sad it had to end that way, sad he couldn’t understand the consequences of his words and actions, sad I couldn’t change myself fast enough to appease him.

In the end, I only wish the best for him. I’m not sure what I think of him now that he’s done so many things that seemed out of character from what I knew of him, but I still believe he has a good heart. He was the one who helped me see the goodness of my own heart, and encouraged me to find my own light to erase the shadows that overtook me. Nobody with ill intentions in their heart would do such things for another person.

While I am hurt deeply, this may have been the trigger I needed to start making major changes. I’ve been hiding for so long behind masks and walls, aliases and mysteries, that my identity has torn itself into too many pieces. More than one person has told me they don’t feel like they know the real me because of how shy and reserved I am.

Standing up for myself and for what I believed in despite the pain it put me in was a giant step toward becoming a stronger and more self-reliant person. More than that though, this whole situation has tipped the scales between keeping up my online identity and merging it with who I am in reality. Changes are underway as it is, and you’ll start seeing them here soon as well. Starting Wednesday.

Though it’s been nearly two months, I think it’s safe to say that for my 21st birthday, I lost my best friend and found myself. I’ve also learned that life is full of hard choices, and sometimes the best one still ends in heartbreak.

 

And Nath, if ever you read this… thanks for everything.

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About Squishy

Writer, dancer, gamer, and admirer of all that is beautiful.

Posted on August 15, 2011, in Real Life and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 12 Comments.

  1. I want to respond to all of this, but I’m not sure how, exactly. “I’m proud of you and how much progress you’ve made” is on the right path, but doesn’t quite do you justice.

    You are absolutely not the same girl I met a couple years ago. You’ve been growing by leaps and bounds lately, and the rapid changes I’ve seen in you are nearly staggering. I am very impressed with the way you’re approaching life (and especially the entire situation you talk about in your post), The world (and especially the part I inhabit) is a little bit brighter with you happy in it.

    You’re a lot stronger than you might realize, I think. And that is a good thing.

  2. Bravo to you. I went through a very similar thought process around my 21st birthday (as a few members of the Blogenning may remember)… so I understand a lot of what you’re saying. Good luck, and I hope to see this transformation on here with joy.

  3. I’m amazed you have the courage to unmask yourself to your friends. I have a few inconsistencies of my own to work out, but it’s only possible for me because I’m at a point in my life where I’m leaving all my close friends behind. Keep being that amazing.

    And while I’m pretty sure it’s not the song you were listening to, the title made me think of ‘Brand New Day’ from Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. My mental processes are strange, sometimes.

    • Strange mental processes are the best kind of mental processes. That sadly wasn’t the song, but I might have to look that one up now…

      You’re at a great part of your life to try new things. It’s hard though, as you’ll be adjusting to college life at the same time. You have to find ways to push your comfort level and try new things without overexerting yourself or becoming someone you’re not. And of course without falling behind on your studies!

      • Look it up!? If you’ve never seen Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, you’re doing yourself a great disservice. Look it up on Netflix, or elsewhere.

  4. Many of you wont know me, but squishy I am proud of you for that post. The only thing that I really want to say is this. You have the right attitude about changing, but I totally disagree with this statement “sad I couldn’t change myself fast enough to appease him”.

    One lesson in life that I really want you to learn, and I had to learn it the hard way too. You MUST NOT change who you are to appease someone else. you need to be happy with yourself firstly and if the other person cannot handle or does not like the real you, then they don’t deserve to be in your life. I know this is hard at times.

    But in life in order to make someone else happy you need to be happy and at peace with yourself. So my look on life from this year, was to make myself happy first and be happy with myself, and everything else will fall into place.

    It has been terribly hard at times, but in the long run its been worth it and I don’t regret my decision.

    Bron

    • My changes are not to make others happy, but to make me happy. They make others happy in return, which is absolutely great and amplifies my ambition. Yet I can’t help but wonder, maybe if I had changed faster, things wouldn’t have ended this way. At the same time, nothing I could have done would have changed how he treated me, E, and Lili. Mostly me and E. Lili is just… Lili

      I read something a couple weeks ago. “If someone wants to be a part of your life, they will make the effort. Time is too short to force someone into your life.” I don’t need fair-weather friends. I need friends who will stick by me no matter what. I need to be that kind of friend as well. As much as I might miss him at times, he wasn’t that kind of friend.

      I’ve also read that we must love ourselves before we can love others, before others can love us. It seems you and I have set out to prove that.

      Thank you as always for your support, Bronny ~

  5. It seems to me that the halmark of becoming an adult isn’t the ability to vote, buy a house, or rent a car. It’s when you finally realize who you are. Once you’ve found yourself, per se, life is so different. You feel more sure of yourself, even when you make hard decisions.

    I’m so sorry to hear about the heartache you’ve experienced. Losing friends is so difficult. But sometimes those experiences are what we need to grow and become what we need to be. It all works out for the best in the end. 🙂

    • Thanks for the kind words, Bryna. The confidence boost is a major help. If pain is part of growing up, I think I might want to stay a kid a bit longer… 😉

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